content warning: death, existential dread, the usual
I have this memory —
I was a tiny kid, lying in bed and trying to fall asleep, and I
started thinking about death and nonexistence, and I thought about how
one day I wouldn’t exist any more, that there wouldn’t be a me
thinking my thoughts and perceiving my perspective, and suddenly I was
terrified.
I got up and knocked on my parents’ bedroom door and asked them about
this. Maybe. Or maybe I didn’t because the fear was less crippling than
the social awkwardness of randomly knocking on my parents’ door in the
middle of the night to ask them a question like that; I don’t remember.
It was a long time ago, okay?
(Faux-philosophical blog content, posted as part of a
daily posting streak I have openly
committed to; standard disclaimers apply)
This is a hard essay to write because (1) it’s very irrational and I
should (and I do) know better — death by car accident is much more
likely than death by an airplane crash, but the latter is scarier
because it’s more vivid and we have less control over it, and (2) people
don’t like talking about it. When I tried writing it, though, I realized
I already burned through most of the down-to-earth worries in the posts
I made between April and August of 2010. They still coherently and
accurately sum up my current thoughts surprisingly well. And most of the
irrational, overly philosophical fears appeared in
Thoughts at Midnight. So there
used to be a lot of fluff here like this, which was inducing
procrastination because I don’t know what to include and what to cut,
but now that I have a daily deadline, I cut most of it. Here’s what’s
left.
One, xkcd:

Two, bonus quote: As really-long-term readers know, I have had a
reason to think that I might actually die in the past few years, a real
reason that has stayed with me and gotten me thinking now and then about
what my meaning of life is, instead of a short-lived fuzzy
philosophical feeling obtained from reading Tuesdays with
Morrie (which is not to say that Tuesdays with
Morrie isn’t a good book; I just suspect no book can convey
everything a personal experience can.) Anyway, it’s over in all
likelihood, but the point is that in the middle, I wrote an essay for
class in ninth grade, which I find equally coherent and equally
representative of my views. The conclusion runs thus:
These are the thoughts that sometimes keep me awake at night.
These are things I don’t want to think about. These are things I’ve
spent hours thinking about, never productively. They are worrying, but
unlike typical worries in my life, it is fundamentally impractical to
take steps to resolve or mitigate them, after which I may rest assured
that I’ve done my best. The reason is that they also happen to be either
untestable/unfalsifiable or only testable if one incurs absurd and
irreversible costs, mainly dying.
Sometimes I explain them away to myself successfully and move on.
Sometimes I read what I’ve written and think about these thoughts and do
the cognitive equivalent of looking at them funny, as I’m expecting most
readers to feel if they get that far — why would anybody be bothered, or
afraid, or soul-crushingly panicked about these things? Life is so busy,
there are literally more than sixty-four items on my HabitRPG to-do
list, and besides, there are so many serious global issues humanity is
actually facing right now, and people who are actually deprived of basic
rights and resources and have to struggle to stay alive. How can I
possibly be bothered by these absurd remote thoughts?
But I know that other times I do feel those emotions exactly. And if
I stare just right, I can feel those emotions bubbling beneath
the surface in me. Sometimes I can’t explain the issues away to myself,
and a deep soul-sucking pang grows in my stomach. I’m irrational — I’m
afraid of some of these thoughts — and I have submitted to the fact that
there are some edges of my irrationality that would not be worth the
effort to fix if just not thinking about them is better.
Sometimes these thoughts make me wish I were not so rational.
Sometimes they even make me wish I were religious; it would be easier if
(I believed) consciousness were, somehow, special. I suspect if I tried
really hard, I could make myself believe something like that sincerely.
But I think that’s a betrayal of myself I’m not willing to take. I think
there are better ways to remain happy.
I want to maximize happiness. Thinking about more general moral
principles will help with that, but the remoteness of these particular
thoughts is such that I doubt I’ll ever have to make a choice that would
benefit from me having thought about them. At least, I think the chance
is small enough to not be worth the negative utility spent thinking
about them.
So: “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”
But I feel frustrated: not thinking about something just doesn’t seem
like a solution. I don’t know how to come to terms with just how
irrational happiness fundamentally is. And I still can’t resist thinking
about them sometimes…